10 things I hate about the ICO

With apologies to William Shakespeare, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Heath Ledger, Julia Stiles and many more…


10 things I hate about the ICO

I hate the way you ask for teeth but seem afraid to bite
I hate the way you think the press are far too big to fight
I hate the way you always think that business matters most
Leaving all our online rights, our privacy, as toast

I hate the way you keep your fines for councils and their kind
While leaving business all alone, in case the poor dears mind
I hate the way you take the rules that Europe writes quite well
And turn them into nothing much, as far as we can tell

I hate the way that your advice on cookies was so vague
Could it possibly have been, you were a touch afraid?
I hate the way you talked so tough to old ACS Law
But when it came to action, it didn’t hurt for sure

I hate the way it always seems that others take the fore
While you sit back and wait until the interest is no more
I hate that your investigations all stop far too soon
As PlusNet, Google and BT have all found to their boon

I hate the way you tried your best to hide your own report
‘Bury it on a busy day’; a desperate resort!
You should be open, clear and fair, not secretive and poor
We’ll hold you up for all to see – we expect so much more!

I hated how when Google’s cars were taking all our stuff
You hardly seemed to care at all – that wasn’t near’ enough
Even when you knew the truth, you knew not what to do
It took the likes of good PI to show you where to go…

I hated how my bugbears Phorm, didn’t get condemned
Even when their every deed could not help but offend
You let them off with gentle words, ‘must try harder’ you just said
Some of us, who cared a lot, almost wished you dead

You tease us, tempt us, give us hope – then let us down so flat
We think you’re on our side – you’re not – and maybe that is that!
Will all these bad things ever change? We can but hope and dream
That matters at the ICO aren’t quite as they might seem.

We need you, dearest ICO, far more than we should
We’d love you if you only tried to do the job you could
We’d love you if you stood up tall, and faced our common foes
Until you do, sad though it is, then hatred’s how it goes.




P.S. I don’t really hate the ICO at all really.... this is 'poetic' licence!